The Loo Review

He had 3 minutes.

He used his pass card and made his way down the stairs to the bathrooms he knew were lesser used past the security cameras, acting natural.

He had 2 minutes and change.

He felt for the baggie in his change pocket of his suit. He felt o.k. like the meeting would be o.k. He knew there were another round of layoffs coming and his white powdery assistant had become his white powdery crutch. A baggie of courage. There were no meetings without a line before anymore. There was no chance the company would make it at this point and he, Matt Eljer wasn’t as invincible as the drug could make him feel. He was smart enough to know better.

As he made his way into the stall he fished the baggie from his pocket. An untouched eight-ball fresh from his now old buddy Red. They met and shook hands at least twice a week, usually behind the police museum near Wall St. Briefly discussing work and relationships and sports, Matt knew absolutely zero about sports but could fake it like a $500 hooker. Drugs, now there’s a recession proof business. He started pissing while holding his dick in his left hand to mask the sounds of his premeditated fumbling, chopping and sniffing. He always had about 10 things going on at the same time, the powder let him become a laser, one shining point of focus. As the baggie snagged on his pocket watch chain it slipped from his grasp and fell with an audible plunk into the freshly pissed-in toilet.

As he at once reached instinctively into the bowl and rolled up his sleeve he tried to remember if it was Pavlov’s or Skinner’s theory that would account for this behavior. Then it suddenly didn’t matter as his fingers hit the lukewarm water and his eyes caught the letters at the base of where the seat attached to the bowl “E L J E R”. He knew for the moment that this was his destiny, that he needed no behavioral theory to explain it. He stifled a laugh.

He had 1 minute and knew he had to choose between doing a line and washing his hands. What do you think he chose?

”Matt, I’d like you to meet our new head of IT, Don Hanson”

”Don, Matt Eljer”

(handshake)

*Many thanks to Greg “Sugar” Sucrose for the name, and to all the others who looked.