The Loo Review

Reviews of Loos

A few sentences will do, but if you’ve got more to share, well, send it in and we’ll see what transpires. Make sure to tell us where the loo is (country, state, city, street, name of place, etc., etc.; as we all know, with this toilet stuff, if you’re off by even a little bit things can get messy), and tell us something about the loo, like whether it’s got paper soft like the finest cashmere or whether it stinks. We have virtually no standards except that we like what we print. So look at what we’ve published, and ape it shamelessly or top it. If you’ve got a better way, send it in, and then we will ape your way of doing reviews of loos, though afterwards we’ll claim we thought of it first.

While we offer no financial remuneration, we do plan eventually to concoct an enormous statue of a urinal, to paint on it in yellow the names of our dearest, best contributors, and to send said enormous urinal into space where it will, periodically, shine bright in the night reminding future generations of the greatness of our writers. So no, there’s no pay, but there is the possibility that one day you and your family and your family’s legacy will be associated with the single most vulgar memorial ever erected, so to speak. Additionally, we will give you credit for your reviews. Alternatively, if you’d like to write for us but are afraid that a Google search for your name will turn up something with a bit too much pizzazz, we’re happy to take credit for your pieces, so long as they’re funny or helpful or something.

Other Writing We’d Like To Get Our Grubby Little Hands On

We’re looking for essays about toilets, about bathrooms, and about things only marginally connected to toilets and bathrooms but interesting all the same. Interesting is of course a subjective sort of thing, which means that what we’re looking for are pieces that interest us. We’re average sorts of folk with refined senses of smell and too much education, so we like the kinds of things all over-educated, average people with good noses like: humor, sentimentality, sharp zippiness, profound insight tempered by a sort of arrogant humility, etc. Basically, we’re looking for stories and essays that people will enjoy reading, people being us. We’re also interested in interviews with almost anyone so long as the interview is good. So, if you want to write, get in touch with us and we’ll see what we can doo doo.

Again, there’s no pay for publication on our site, so it’s actually kind of hard for us to think why you’d want to give us your stories. But maybe you do, in which case, please send them in. We’re sitting here at our day jobs just aching for a good story to come in so we can print it out, put the do not disturb sign on the outside of the stall, laugh maniacally as we enjoy the sparkling prose of newly discovered genius, come out, wash our respective hands, and then put your brilliant piece up on the old site here. And who knows– maybe one day we’ll publish a print version of this here site, and then you’ll get your story in a real book. Or maybe not. Who’s ready for a gamble?

Art

We’d like to put up some visual art on the loo review. It’s probably asking a bit much for all the art to be toilet-related, and in any event Plumber has made me promise that we will put up some non-toilet art, and so we will. Plumber is a whiz with computers, so even if it’s not a traditional photograph or painting or drawing, he might find a way to make your experimental thingie look quite good here. My only suggestion: make it toilet related. Well, ok, that’s not strictly necessary, but it’s better if the art has something to do with bathrooms. But if it’s good, it’s good, and we’ll put it up even if it doesn’t even tangentially suggest urination. Like I said, Plumber made me promise.

What else?

Well, we’re extremely moral people who do not want to usurp any of your rights as a writer, artist, toilet lover, so we’re asking for no more than the right to publish your piece into eternity on the Loo Review or any of its future incarnations, be they online, in print, or scribbled on the toilet walls. You can reuse any piece you contribute to the Loo Review anywhere else, so long as it is not another site devoted to all things toilet (frankly, such sites turn our stomachs).

Send submissions to Potty Mouth.

We’re looking forward to hearing from you. We hope you’re looking forward to hearing from us.